Today was one of those sorts of days where I feel about a 100 years older than 30. :) My high school cross country coach used to say that I had an old soul, and while I don't believe in reincarnation I do often think of him on days like today. There are just days where the weight of life seems incredibly heavy, and the consequences of the choices that people make seem to stretch on and on.
I heard a story on the radio today that got me thinking actually- it was in a slot called Choices on BBC4, and it was an interview of a man who had changed his gender. It was a very honest piece- this man was now in his 70s and looking back over his life and the choices that he'd made. He talked about how he'd always felt like he'd been born the wrong gender, and although he did very masculine things his whole life he'd felt like it was a cover up for who he really was. He was in fact a very late bloomer, and when he underwent the sex change operation he didn't need to take hormone therapy because his body made a lot of female hormone naturally at that point, which makes me wonder if his problem wasn't physiological. Anyway he lived until he was in his 50s as a man, was married and had 2 grown sons, but when his marriage collapsed he decided that was the time to be what he'd always felt that he was. So he did it. He had the operation and began living as a woman.
The thing that struck me about this story is that this guy was now in his 70s, or might have been 80s even, and was being asked about why he did it- why he gave up what seemed like a good life in order to do something so seemingly out there. And although he explained why he did it, he also talked about what it had cost him- it cost him a lifetime of friends, abandonment by his 2 sons, no relationship with his grandchildren, his career, and romantic relationships. He wasn't surprised at people's reactions, and looking back on his life he regretted what he had done because it cost him everything and gave him very very little in return.
I've always thought to myself that I did not want to be one of those people who reaches the end of their life and regrets pivotal choices that I made. I prefer to learn from other people's mistakes rather than my own. :) But because we live in a fallen world, we can't prevent bad choices from happening necessarily. I think I'd always had the subliminal idea that a person can by being cautious make all the right choices their entire life- which is silly of course. :) At the ripe old age of 30 I'm beginning to realize that as people we have to make the best decisions that we can given what we have at the time, and accept that in the future we may wish we'd chosen differently. I don't really like that, but it's just a fact of life. Or unseen consequences may arise that we could never have known would happen- that too is a fact of life. I feel really blessed that I've gotten to be 30 and lived a very full life without having made any decisions that I would regret- I know that's a rare position to be in.
There's no point really in regretting the past anyway- it can't be changed, and the fact is that each of those points serve to remind us what a big Gd we serve, who knew that we were helpless to live life perfectly rightly, and made a way for us to have a relationship with him as a father and a friend. Those things can remind us of his amazing mercy and incredible grace, if we let them. Few of us will have had momentous points like this poor man had in his life (thankfully!), where we stand to lose everything we love and value if we make the wrong choice, but we should extend Gd's mercy and love to those who have and looking back have made what they have come to see as a wrong choice.
When we follow JC everyday is a new day, a fresh day, and on that day we can choose to follow him or choose to go our own way. If we want our lives to be impactful on the world we live in, and to get to the end of our days and see not just the wrong turns but the beautiful fruit of a life well lived, we have to rely on JC for that and trust that his way is the right way for us. Even if we've made choices in the past that we now regret, that is a part of the human experience- it's a part of life, we can still take each day as a new day. That's really good news. :)
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